The Naysayer's Warning
by YouLittleRat
Summary: In the aftermath of an unfortunate incident with Kowalski, Marlene and Skipper have a disagreement which becomes the straw that breaks the camel's back. (Please review)


"I'm not stupid, I'm not stupid, I'm not stupid…"

"How long has he been like this?" asks Marlene.

"Ever since this morning," replies Skipper.

"Alright then Rico, now it's your move." The Kowalski and Rico sit opposite each other. Between them is a curious purple game board with contraptions and blinking lights. Rico moves. "Gah! E-gah!" Kowalski cries, "That's not possible! That's- Guh!" He collapses, babbling incoherently.

"…I'm not stupid, I'm not stupid…"

"I don't see how it could've happened either, I never lose at the games_ I_ make up," comments Skipper.

"Kowalski had just invented it, the Confundulator; it's supposed to be the hardest game ever made. He was showing us the rules so Rico and I could test it out for him," pipes up Private.

"Poor guy never saw it coming."

"**I didn't mean to,**" Rico wrings his flippers.

"We know you didn't big guy, it was all pure chance, but try to telling that to _him_," Skipper gestures to his twitching lieutenant.

"Have you tried snapping him out of it?"

"Of course we have! We've tried slapping him, yelling in his ears, even mentioning Doris the Dolphin!"

"We've even tried stating blatantly false facts," adds Private.

Skipper leans in close to Kowalski. "_Africa_ is a _continent_."

"Africa_ is_ a continent Skipper," Private corrects.

"Oh, right, other way around."

"There's got to be something! Just look at him!" Marlene puts a paw on Kowalski's shoulder.

"…I'm _not_ stupid, I'm not _stupiiid_…"

"The poor, poor thing." agrees Private, "I just feel like giving him a hug."

"Private!" Skipper stops him by smacking him on the beak. "Don't bring that hippy hooey into this! We're penguins and we'll solve this the penguin way. Everybody, topside!" They bring Kowalski up the ladder and outside. "Great! Now wake the crybaby up." The group tosses him into the pool.

"Skipper! He's sinking!"

"Dive men, dive!" Private and Rico jump in and retrieve Kowalski. After he returns to the surface he coughs up the water and returns to his mantra.

"Oh Kowalski, I wish you could feel better." Private hugs Kowalski. A moment later he's looking around, confused.

"Private?"

"Kowalski!" shouts Private.

"**Kowalski!**" shouts Rico.

"You're okay!" calls Skipper.

"What happen? Why am I here?"

"You were playing your new game with Rico when -Wah! Gah! - you started going all nuts about being stupid!" explains Marlene.

"Stupid? Well that's ridiculous - even if Rico by some off chance – I wouldn't be reduced to some babbling – unless… Unless he stumbled upon… _the Naysayer's Warning_."

"The what?" asks everybody.

"The Naysayer's Warning," repeats Kowalski, returning to the rock with the rest of the penguins. "It's a move so stupefying it sends any opponent into torpor of denial. There are barely any records of it in history, the first ever being from Ancient China. The most recent occurrence has been in the nineteen twenties in Ireland when Seamus O'Ryan and Sean Blake played checkers together. Sean was so stricken with it that Seamus refused to play another game ever again. Everyone who asked him he would warn about the dreaded move. That's why it's called the Naysayer's Warning. It's forbidden to ever be taught or played and has no known cure."

"**Cool.**" Rico grins.

"Yes it does," says Private "I fixed you when I hugged you."

"Interesting, the dopamine released from your embrace must have countered the negative effects of the Warning."

"Hold it. There is no way some lovey-dovey hoo-ha 'cured' my soldier," interjects Skipper, "I don't believe it."

"But Skipper-" starts Private.

"No. It was the cold water, sure of it."

"Oh come on, you saw Private. How- how can say you didn't see him?" half-laughs Marlene.

"Simple, I didn't see him."

"Say wa?"

"Skipper has a strong sense of denial Marlene." explains Kowalski, "Owing to his unwavering stubbornness only the most profound of points can reach him."

"What? Really?"

"It's best just to leave it," adds Private.

"Skipper, you can't be serious, you saw him," says Marlene, straining.

Skipper turns to Marlene and looks her right in the eye. "I didn't see _any_thing."

"Stupid penguins –grumble- stupid Skipper –mumble- 'I didn't see _any_thing' –tch- _really?_" Marlene clenches and unclenches her claws as she walks home.

"Marlene, why do you talk that way? It is very confusing and hard to hear," calls King Julien from lounging on his wall to the otter as she goes by.

"Oh, hi King Julien. I'm just a little irritated at Skipper that's all."

"Ah, the flat-headed penguin. He too grinds my buttons if you know what I mean."

"Maybe. I am just _sick_ and _tired_ of him always having to be right."

"Do you know what he needs? Do you know? Do you- I'll tell you. He needs a lesson. Yeah! He needs to be put in his place. Next time he says something mean-penguiney we should totally make fun of him. Not to his face but subtly you know? I saw this on the Gossiping Girl TV show. We'd be all _'Oh that's a nice tuxedo; I wish I could wear it but I'm soooooo thin. And you're not.'_ You see what I did there? It started out as a compliment but it turned out it wasn't. Isn't that hilarious?"

"Well, um, you're on the right track there tiger. I think that I _will_ teach him a lesson."

"And then _we _will be the most popularist!"

"Yeah, sure, bye King Julien!" Marlene scampers off. Julien watches her go.

"I'm lying, I'm totally going to crush you too, and then I will be having the victory tears with the bucket of ice cream! Ha!"

Marlene pokes her head into the penguin H.Q. No one in sight. She zips down the ladder and slinks along the wall to the control panel. Flexing her fingers, she starts pressing buttons.

"Okay, they've got to have surveillance or something. All I have to do is figure out which one gives me it."

"Marlene?"

"GAH!" Marlene whips around to behold Kowalski, who's looking at her curiously.

"What are you doing here?"

"I- I- I'm just visiting, you know. 'Cause that's what I do, -haha- I visit. Actually Private said that I could borrow his Lunacorn DVD, so yeah, here to pick it up."

"Hmm. Seems perfectly plausible." Kowalski digs around their collection and hands it to her. "Now step aside. I need to extract the Naysayer's Warning from our records; we don't want _that_ to get into the wrong hands now do we?" He runs his flippers over the machine and a disc pops out. He grasps it for a moment but then Marlene bumps into him, knocking both items to the floor.

"Oh sorry, sorry." She picks them up.

"No worries."

"Here you go."

"Are you sure this is the right one? I could've-"

"Positive! Well I'll be off now, see ya!" Marlene books it out the exit. Just then Private comes in from the back room.

"Oh Private, Marlene was just here borrowing your Lunacorn DVD."

"What?! She'll scratch it!" Private takes off after her.

Marlene lands safely in her habitat. "Ha ha! Got it! Look who's all commando now, Marlene, that's who."

"Marlene!" Private jumps in without looking and bumps straight into her. The disc falls out of her hand and into the pool.

"No! No! Private what have you done?!"

"My Lunacorns!" Private looks desperately into the pool.

"That wasn't the Lunacorns, it was the Naysayer's Warning!"

"What?"

Marlene sighs. "I stole the recording of it so I could get Skipper with it so he'd be forced to admit he was wrong."

"Marlene what a nasty thing to do!"

"I just wanna use it on him a little bit. _Please_ don't tell anyone. I don't wanna use it for evil, just to teach Skipper a lesson."

"Wait, if that's not my Lunacorns, does that mean it's still at home?"

"Yeah I swapped it for that one with Kowalski without him knowing."

"What?! He'll destroy it!" Private leaps back out of the habitat.

Rico lies against a wall and scratches his beak lazily. Then _slap!_ A fish plops down in front of him. "**Fish!**" Rico reaches for it but it slips away. "**Hey what the-?** " He tries again but it evades him. Meanwhile, Marlene's hiding round the corner and reeling in the string tied to the fish's tail.

"That's it, come to mama. _Wuh-oh!_" The string spontaneously jerks forward, drags Marlene over the grass and into Rico's mouth. Apparently he caught the fish. Arms, shoulders and head inside penguin, Marlene orders him to spit her out. He obeys. "Eww," she says, flicking the saliva off of herself.

"**Marlene?**"

"Rico, I need you."

"**Me?**"

"Yes you. I need to teach a lesson to Skipper and you're the only one I know who can do the Naysayer's Warning."

"**What? Nuh-uh.**"

"I'll pay you handsomely." Marlene pulls out another fish. He gobbles it down.

"**Nuh-uh.**"

"What?! But you jus- arrg!" She goes onto her knees and looks up at Rico. "Pleeeeease! You're my only option! If you do this… I'll let you blow up anything you want in my habitat."

Something flickers in Rico's eyes. "**Kaboom?**"

"Well, run it by me first but _pretty much_ anything."

The penguin and otter watch from a concealing bush as Skipper strolls by. "Okay, now all we have to do is to get him to compete with you in something." Rico puts his flipper under him chin and thinks, then turns to Marlene and stares at her, fiercely. "What?! Oh a staring contest," she realizes. "No, there's no way to pull it out on him that way, you have to use a game board."

"**Hmm. I got it!**" Without another word Rico belly-slides away and pops up in front of his leader. Skipper looks at him in surprise but then Rico lets out a magnificent burb.

"Spontaneous belching contest huh? Well I should warn you soldier that I had a fight with an extra fizzy bottle of pop earlier today… and won." He burps back for effect.

"Really Rico?" whispers Marlene from the bushes, "That's your plan?"

The battle commences, belch after disgusting belch. Skipper sticks with the load ones and Rico with the long. When Rico amps up the volume Skipper puts more effort into his. Then Rico smiles and lets out a singularly spectacular one. Mid-burp a board flies out of his mouth accompanied by game pieces. It lands on the ground; Rico grasps a piece and moves to strike. Without warning the board sweeps out from under him.

"**Huh?**"

"You really think you could get the jump on me? Your commanding officer?" gloats Skipper, holding the board. He turns and says, "Marlene you can come out now."

She steps out. "How did you know?"

"Private told me. Unlike _some_ soldiers he doesn't fall for pleady-pleady help-me eyes." Skipper glances at Rico.

"**Sorry.**"

"All I wanted to do was to show you that you were wrong."

"Dear, sweet, naive Marlene. I know I'm wrong."

"You do?"

"Of course. I just deny it or I acknowledge it in some back-handed way. It lets me keep my pride." He grins obtrusively.

"Huh. Well that's healthy."

Skipper puts a wing around her. "So now that you know that, lets put this whole business behind us okay?"

"Uh, okay." She shrugs.

Just then Mason leaps out of the chimpanzee habitat and joins them, chessboard in hand. "Hey everybody! You've got to see this new move I've figured out!" Skipper, Marlene and Rico look at the board, then collapse and curl into balls repeating, "I'm not stupid, I'm not stupid, I'm not stupid…"

The end.


End file.
